‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
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That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*