Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
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Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
*sewing*
A thread
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.