*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
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My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
boat question
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active