📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
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Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
it is time once again
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”