if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Just parrot things
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…