I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
You Might Also Like
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope