Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
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Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
my one true gender
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*