Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
📽️movie date🎞️
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
bad news gang
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish