@TheAlexNevil: “Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”
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@panmidwest: *talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog's water bowl*
@Sickayduh: ME: Why are you leaving? WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago ME: Manhasset been that long?
@TheBoydP: I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
@salamingia: Hi, is your resort child friendly? Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation? *hangs up