Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
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Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I’m going to need a moment here.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Autocannibalism is self-serving.