@LegoGodzilla: Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
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@better_off_dad: Playboy: We're going to take the naked ladies out of our magazine! Men: You know we were kidding about reading the articles, right?
@Tmoney68: Me: I can't get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it. Whiskey: Yes you can.
@PaperWash: me: [gets on one knee] GF: [gasps] me: [reaches into pocket] GF: OMG me: [pulls phone out] don't move there's a Pokemon on your foot
@DaddyJew: Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER 6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we're all out