Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
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Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Breaking news:
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!