I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
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Reporter: *ports again*
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
when nothing goes right… go left
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.