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1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
#FunnyLife Insects
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?