Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
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Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”