Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.