Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
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the clam before the storm
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.