Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
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Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
All. The. Damn. Time.