Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
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When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
This could’ve been an email.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
🙂🙃🥹
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
the dark web is just a goth google.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
A bold strategy