Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
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I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.