DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
this country is so goddamn polarized
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions