DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
absolutely not
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn