[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
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Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.