[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
How do you like your Corgi?
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.