{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
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Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
me refusing to leave twitter
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait