Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
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since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this