My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
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I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first