DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
You Might Also Like
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
when you are just born a rebel
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo