DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
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my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.