Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
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luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.