Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
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I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
When your parents check you’re ok.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.