Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
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We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT