Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
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[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I get distracted pretty eas
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.