Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
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[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.