Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
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*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Jogging
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.