Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
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You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Bill is short for Billiam
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.