Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
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LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
They grow up so quick
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?