I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”