Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
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My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
what
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.