@MichaelTrying: Darwin is a genius. Just realized I'm attracted to women in glasses because I'm more likely to reproduce with a woman who can't see me well.
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@jwoodham: Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted "you go girl!" from across the street.
@possibilyss: In hindsight, i shouldn't have said 'surprise me' when the judge was about to sentence me
@ifuseekamynow: I want to follow you back, really, I do. But the hash tags. My god the hash tags.
@ibid78: [in hospital] -dude what happened? "I got hit by a bu- [a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion] -I mean I fell down the stairs"