There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
just leave it at the foot of the bed
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
My kitchen overserved me.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.