Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
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Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.