Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
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I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.