DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
You Might Also Like
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
saw this in a dream
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
uh oh
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’