You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
You Might Also Like
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
My therapist after every session
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.