DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops