date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
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I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
quarantine day 3
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.