[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
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Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Overindulged this afternoon.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Just a reminder, folks: