date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
You Might Also Like
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Sunday
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?