Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Lmao 🤣
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.