Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Not messing around
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.