date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
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It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Easy enough.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
This is a sub tweet
*pronounces fake like saké*
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.